Lonesome World
by DElena is DEstiny
Summary: Disregards everything after ep 9 'O Come, All Ye Faithful' -Damon is killed by an out of control Jeremy. Shane's plan to rise Silas is still going perfectly well with Damon out of the way. Elena chose to shut off the pain. Who will stop Shane from releasing the greater evil? Who will want to? What will Elena choose: Having Damon back or the safety of the residents of Mystic Falls?
1. No World For Her

**Happy Valentine! **

**This is a good day to start working on a fic... for the FIRST time :)**

**I finally had the courage to publish the intro, and I hope you'll be interested in the plot. I also, want you guys to review and let me know if you like the idea and if it sounds interesting.**

**Since I'm pretty convinced that Jeremy is the one who will die in today's episode, and I've been curious about how the idea of Damon dying -**and of course coming back to life**- would play out and how bittersweet it'll be, I decided to write a fic about it.**

**So let me know if you guys would like to read more ;)**

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_Disregards everything after episode 9 of season 4 "O Come, All Ye Faithful"_

Damon is killed by an out of control Jeremy. Shane's plan to rise Silas is still going perfectly well with Damon out of the way. Elena chose to shut off the pain. Who will stop Shane from releasing the greater evil? Who will want to? What will Elena choose: Having Damon back or the safety of the residents of Mystic Falls?

**Intro**

Elena Gilbert's life wasn't easy. While still being a teenager, she had to go through what most people decades older than her wouldn't have survived. She lost both her parents and every single person of her family except for her brother, in less than a year. She fought against vampires, and werewolves, and even hybrids. She survived everything, even becoming the one thing she hated the most: a vampire. However, losing the one person who held her together since her life started being at stake, who she never valued and thanked enough drove her over the edge.

Remembering that agonizing day would do more harm than good, so she makes sure not to visit that memory box. In fact, Elena made sure not to feel anything. She never thought she would do what she did. She never thought she'd be the kind of vampire who would flip the switch off without a second thought. Elena Gilbert gave up her humanity. Feeling became something she couldn't afford doing. She needs to be able to focus and organize her thoughts to come up with a plan to bring Damon back.

Yes, she lost Damon. Damon was no longer between them, he was no longer there to balance her and give her the strength to fight back. For Elena, the thought of a world without him is absurd. It doesn't make sense and she's determined to give everything a meaning again because, plain and simple, _there's no world for her without Damon_.

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**This is it guys! Let me know what was you first impression and if you would give this fic a chance :)**


	2. Broken Routine

**Hello guys! I'm finally ready to give you the first chapter :D**

**I'm so excited and hope that you will like it. Please stay critical while reading this so that you can give me your feed back on how I wrote Elena.**

Guys :'{ Jer is dead and though I was prepared for it, I wasn't ready to lose JerBear!

Elena is going to switch off her emotions and Damon doesn't think he's enough to stop her from doing it and this makes me wanna cry !

**Anyway ... Constructive Criticism is very welcome, guys :)**

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Elena's POV:

The world is so much clearer with no feelings to cloud my sight. Of course my main purpose is to get the person I love back, but I don't have to feel the desperation and the hopelessness that the situation I'm in aspires.

Just like I did the past couple of weeks, I woke up at 5 a.m. and went through my morning routine that starts by making Damon's bed. I still didn't get used to being alone in that huge bed and never will, for that matter. Then I headed downstairs to the fridge where Damon kept his blood bags to have one. I was planning on getting out of the silent house, as usual, when I heard Stefan coming out of his room. I tried to speed up to avoid any conversation, but I knew he was close and that I had no chance to flee.

With Damon gone, Stefan shook himself because the only thing that can awake him from his self loathing is something happening to his brother. He started letting go of the past and the Elena who went off the bridge. He also started getting a grip on his bloodlust and control the ripper in him in order to be able to focus on getting his brother back, he was almost the Stefan I knew, but that doesn't mean I was ready to talk to him about something **personal**, I'm not going to let him figure out that I shut off my humanity: I don't want him to start patronizing me, besides he should stay focused on the bigger plan.

"Elena, I finally get a chance to talk to you" he said with a shy smile when he reached me in front of the parlor. I figured it was best to play pretend, as I've always done with Stefan and act like he wasn't bothering me.

"Good morning, Stefan" I said adding a small smile and trying to convey as much feeling in it as possible.

Last week, Shane called Stefan and told him that Damon could be brought back if Silas is set free, so we went to meet with him in order to understand what needs to be done to free Silas and thus get Damon back. A hunter, other than Jeremy has grown his mark and is ready, what he doesn't know is that we're going to need to sacrifice him. The only thing we still need is a witch who has access to Expression. However, Bonnie's no longer willing to work with Shane after discovering what Expression magic's really is, and I still haven't talked to her since the night where Jeremy lost control of his hunter side.

We should've known that the hypnosis wouldn't last for long, and that's the reason why Bonnie is staying with Jeremy in my family's house. I couldn't meet anyone of my friends since the accident, in fear they'll discover I shut off my humanity. They all gave me the space I requested thinking I'm just sad because I lost a very good friend, not that I ever fell for him since, god forbid that was the sire bond's work! They think that I'm free now from the bond and thus from my feelings for Damon as well. They let me grieve but didn't really worry that it'll lead me to take such drastic measures to get through the pain.

I have to talk with Bonnie though, because the hunter will arrive to Mystic Falls tomorrow and we'll be ready to do the spell, but first I need to get rid of Stefan who, by the way tried to get bonnie to help but she only apologized and talked about the famous balance of nature.

When he added with a large smile "You seem doing alright, Elena" I knew I was a good actress. Seeing that I didn't respond and waited for him to continue, he thought I had been offended and added "Sorry I didn't mean it that way, I know you love Damon and that it's not easy for you but you are doing better than ..." he winced and I'm sure he was reminiscing about the way he saw me the following week after he delivered me the news of what happened back in the lake house.

I smiled in return telling him that I understood. I had no idea what he had to say that I would care about. If it's about Bonnie, then he can relax because nothing will stop me from getting Damon back.

I was so not in the mood of small talk, so I excused myself and told him I was in a hurry.

End of Elena's POV.

Stefan stood there in shock. Elena has never shut him out like this. She has never been this cold. He wondered for a second whether she shut off her feelings but got it out of his mind.

This is Elena, he thought, she will never do something like that. He knows she loves his brother, but he's not sure it's desperate enough to make her give up on her humanity. She locked herself in Damon's room for the first week and he promised he'll never tell anyone. All he knows is that she didn't feed, and texted everyone telling them not to contact her since she wanted to be alone, but she's doing better now!

Besides it's perfectly normal since it would take her time to collect her thoughts and have the ability to think clearly again. After all, she needed time to differentiate between what the sire bond made her feel and what she feels, Stefan thought. He has no hope she still has romantic feelings for him because he had seen her fall for his brother gradually since day one. Who would forgive their 'friend' for killing their brother? Stefan thought, and who would let their new 'friend' back into their lives again after trying so hard to hate the said 'friend'?

Stefan's no longer delusional. He's wide awake and will no longer deny what's been in front of him and in the back of his mind the whole time. Elena has always been in love with his brother, and now that she has finally gave in there was no going back, Stefan was sure.

He's convincing himself every time she's around that he has accepted the fact that she's his brothers'. The truth is he still can't stop hoping Damon is just a phase. Not that he's heart-broken. In fact, he fell out of love with Elena gradually when she became a vampire, he's just not used to losing and especially to his brother. The ripper in him wants Elena to choose him. The ripper in him wants to win...

Stefan knows Elena is not a prize but he can't help wanting to have her as if she was a belonging.

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**This was it! Warm my heart by reviewing, will you? **

**A BIG thank you to all of the amazing people who favorited or followed or left me a review :D**


	3. Off?

**Don't forget that this fic disregards all the episodes after episode 9 of season 4 "_O Come, All Ye Faithful_"**

**I hope you like the chapter and please tell me what you think of it :)**

**I just figured that Elena wouldn't be that far gone even with turned off feelings since she still has Jeremy ... Anyway, you judge ;)**

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Elena's PoV:

After escaping Stefan's presence and the useless exchange of words I sped up to the lake house. Once there, I stopped in front of the porch as usual, facing the driveway. This is the place where I last saw him. This is where it _happened_. I never got to see him after he _set me free_, and did the right thing by me. I cannot blame him because when I put myself in his shoes I understand why he did it. All he knows is that when I was a human my feelings for him weren't as strong as those I had for Stefan and that only when I became a vampire that they became overwhelming, which is not true. I'm the one who never tried to explain the choice I took before my _death._ It was so natural and easy for me to make the realization that what we had was worth everything, and that I wanted to be happy and free that I didn't even consider explaining myself. He didn't demand it but now I know that he needed it. He tried so hard to believe me and be strong for me but I understand why it wasn't possible. I mean this is Damon, the one who was rejected his whole life, the one who got nothing but rejection from _me_.

I sunk down to the floor and held my knees to my chest as I do every time I start thinking about my regret. I regret not telling him about the depth of my feelings for him. I regret not being courageous enough to surrender to what we had.

The sire bond had nothing to do with my decision because I'm well aware of how my desire to give in to him started kicking in. I tried to stick to my decision but it got harder every day. I was walking on eggshells around Stefan, because I knew one wrong word would send him away and I didn't spend four months trying to have him back just to lose him the next day!

I admit being selfish with Damon. I chose to follow my mind, afraid of the unknown. I was afraid to commit to my undefined feelings that consumed me to the core of my being. I do blame myself for shying away from giving Damon something more just because I had a feeling that there would be no going back once I commit to him.

Something about the way Damon loves terrified and excited me at the same time. I took advantage of his unconditional love and kept him at arm length knowing that he'll be there whenever I needed him. I kept my eyes closed to how he feels about me to keep my selfish self from thinking about the wrongs I was doing. I protected myself from _my_ feelings for him by denial, and was hurting him deeply in the process.

I will never forgive myself for deceiving him so many times that I lost count. I'm ready to sacrifice everything now to right my wrongs and make the scars of all the rejections he encountered in his long life disappear. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to give him his life back, and selfishly have mine in the process.

When the sun moved up in the sky to indicate it was about 10 a.m., I sped up to my family's home to talk with Bonnie. I _needed_ to convince her to help me. Before knocking on the front door I made sure I was smiling, and thanked god for this humanity switch that prevented me from crying my eyes out. I feel fine, actually I feel nothing. I'm always thinking of Damon, because basically that's what's keeping me alive, and I'm always thinking of what I should've said and done but, I do not have to feel regret and pain. They're just thoughts with no concrete feelings.

I straightened my hair from the effect of the speed, and knocked on the door. I heard Jer moving through the house. He didn't ask who it was, just opened it passively. His whole expression brightened at my sight. I stood still in front of the look on his face; my absence had obviously worried him.

I said "Hi, J…" and before I could manage to complete my sentence he pulled me into a bear hug. If I wasn't a vampire I would've suffocated. I hugged him back and wanted to really feel happiness upon seeing him but I couldn't allow it: that wouldn't serve my greater purpose. I felt him go rigid against my chest as his heart started beating like he was going to get out of his chest. When he pulled away, I sensed that something wasn't right because he kept staring at me with a worried look on his face. I concluded that I didn't play my part very well, so to erase his worry and to keep him from figuring it out, I added "don't worry Jer, I'm just …"

When I couldn't find the words to excuse my behavior, he got everything wrong, or was he right? No, it can't be! I can't blame him for something he had no control over. He looked down and said "I understand 'Lena and I'm deeply sorry …you were …friends…" he sent me a look after his statement that said _I don't buy that's what it really was_ and added "He was my friend too, and I miss him. It crushed me, and if there were a way to reverse what I had done, and what happened to you …"

I couldn't take it anymore, I know he shouldn't blame himself, feelings or not "Jer, I don't blame you okay? I know …" What did he mean by what happened to you? What did he figure out exactly? I ignored it and tried to reassure him "I, I'm better now …" I came to a stop deliberating whether or not I should tell him about the plan.

I told Stefan to let Bonnie know that I wanted Jeremy out. I was afraid he would take Bonnie's side on this, I admit. This is my chance though, but would he go on board with it? Would he still be okay with it after learning we're going to have to bring Silas back and kill a human being in a condition just like him? Would he agree knowing that Bonnie will have to do her expression thing? I hope he would, actually I hope his guilt will be strong enough to help me convince Bonnie. He's not going to get hurt… I won't let it, but I _need _Damon back!

I decided to take the risk and added my acting long lost by now "…about what you said on undoing it, it's possible" I got closer to him and lowered my voice "and that's what I've been working on". Jer just stood there shocked upon my revelation. I stood there waiting for a reply that never came.

He just stared in the space right next to me, dumbfounded, and after what seemed like an eternity I saw determination in his eyes …

End of Elena's POV.

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**I'm doing my best to update fast enough, but I'm still new at this and don't find enough time to write, and when I do, I find myself in no mood to do so :/ Can you bear with me? Please? I just need some time to find a balance between university and my beloved ffic :D**

**Once again, review! Your reviews do push me to write + they make me happy :D **


	4. Ghost World

**It' been a while ... I'm going to try to update regularly :)**

**What was Jer's decision? ****What did he find out? **

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Jeremy's POV:

I woke up like every other morning, opened up Elena's bedroom door to see an empty bed. I really miss her, I can only imagine what she's going through and it's entirely my fault. I didn't dare go to visit her, she demanded space and I'm going to give it to her. She'll come when she's ready, and who knows? She could even manage to forgive me!

I know that my sister is the kindest hearted and forgiving person in the world, but I'm never sure when Damon's included in the equation. He has always been more than her friend. This, I'm sure about. Sire Bond or not, she has always had unresolved feelings for the big _bad_ brother, and this bond has only accelerated the process of her giving in to her feelings which was going to happen very soon, anyway. Now that she's no longer sired she'll need time to adjust, and then she'll regret all the times she resisted it. To be truthful, I'm not sure she'll ever get over it at this point. I want to help her but I know I'm not the one she needs. In addition, I'm afraid I'll lose control with her in the absence of Bonnie like I did in the lake house that _night_ after Damon made her leave, even if I'm more in control now.

I went downstairs to find Bonnie having a cup of coffee. It became a routine for us this last couple of weeks: I would sit next to her and grab cereals, and we would stay in complete silence knowing that each one of us is thinking of Elena's absence.

I know that Bonnie knows Damon and Elena's relationship ran far deeper than their supposed friendship. She is one of the few who accept the fact that the sire bond isn't all that's been going on. I know she's worried about her best friend, and she'd do anything to help her. The problem is that my sister opened to none of us. She shut everyone out.

This past week, Bonnie seemed to be absorbed in her thoughts more than usual, as if she had a dilemma and was deliberating on what to do. It is about Elena! The question is why haven't she talked to me? Elena's my sister, and I'm concerned too. I want to help with whatever she's planning to do!

A couple of minutes after Bonnie left to do some shopping in order to fill up the empty fridge, I went to prepare myself to go to the grill since it was almost my shift's time when I heard a knocking. Of course I knew it wasn't Bonnie but I never dreamed it would be my sister, a broken smile on her lips and not reaching her eyes. I needed a minute for the shock to wear off to explode with joy the very next. I hugged her with all the strength I could muster, eyes closed to make sure my sight wasn't playing any tricks on me. She was really here, and when she hugged me back I opened them to come eye to eye with a sad-looking …. Damon?!

What is this? Ghost town? Am I going out of my mind? Before I could react to do or say anything he beat me and said "Don't look so surprised little Gilbert! Did you think you got rid of ghosts when you became a hunter?" and without wasting anytime he became serious and added "Act like everything is normal, okay? Don't tell her that I'm here" and with a tired look on his face, he looked Elena's way and stated the obvious "She's not doing so well"

So when I pulled away, I made sure not to look _his_ way. What did he mean by Elena wasn't doing so well? Everybody knows she's having a hard time, but she got out of bed and even decided to pay a visit. What was so bad?

Then I recalled her poor attempt of a hug. I was distracted by trying to feel her physically and by discovering Damon standing right behind her that I forgot to notice that it wasn't Elena like. I mean the hug wasn't as warm as it used to be. And looking at her now while she's trying to say something that I wasn't really paying attention to, I noticed her monotonous tone, her lifeless and expressionless face, and most of all her eyes that were dead and numb. And it hit me!

With all the excitement I forgot what I had done. Seeing Damon was so shocking, and distracting that I didn't even have time to feel guilty nor apologize for what I've caused. I understand Damon's worried face now: You can no longer see the life in my sister's eyes. At this point I've even started suspecting her of shutting off her humanity… I still see Elena though, I don't see a monster.

I was surprised when she cut me off after I started apologizing for both her and Damon; I mean I'm the reason why this is happening to her, and why she's going through hell. I'm the reason why Damon is nothing but a ghost standing next to the women he loves without her noticing. Why couldn't she yell at me for a change? I killed the man she's in love with for god sakes!

And the cherry on the top of it all is her trying to make me feel good about myself by saying that she's better, which made me drown more than ever in my guilt.

If this is how she looks when she's doing better, then I don't even want to imagine how she looked like for the past three weeks. I doubt she had been feeding properly, since the color of her skin's practically white.

When her expressionless face turned into one of concentration, I heard Damon say in a seriously menacing voice "Don't agree with what she's going to say!" and I had to fight myself from turning to see his face, although I could tell his eyes were probably shining with a dangerous determination. Since curiosity and fear were going to eat me alive while waiting for her to speak, I hang on to every word coming out of her mouth which left me speechless…

Damon can come back … yet he doesn't want to!

Damon claims loving my sister … Yet, he's willing to let her live as a former shell of herself?

Why is Damon against the idea? It doesn't sound harmful, so what's the deal?

However, Damon wouldn't make such a choice unless it meant Elena would be in danger if her plan on bringing him back worked. Just as I took the decision of asking Damon on his reasons later and to tell Elena that I would need time to think about it, Damon started talking and this time I didn't bother keeping my eyes on Elena. I turned my attention to his face and was met with a solemn look.

"Listen! Her plan is to bring Silas back, since the legend says he can bring back the dead. I won't let you bring back the most powerful immortal being on the planet! Jer, think about it! We don't have enough information about the guy. For all we know he could kill everyone and anyone who crosses paths with him! The earth is better off without him walking on it!

At some point Elena will move on with her life, Jer. Give it a couple of years until she's completely free of the sire bond and she'll be as good as before! Under the effect of the sire bond for some time is better than dead or in danger because of this Silas.

You don't want to put Elena's and everyone's lives at stake just to bring a vampire who lived more than 150 years and killed thousands of innocents, now do you?"

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**Surpriiiise! **

**Did Damon convince Jer? Do you any idea as to why he didn't tell him about Elena? what do you think Jer's decision will be?**

**Leave me your guess ;)**


	5. Decisions

**Here I come again with another update!**

**you want to know what jeremy thinks and a lot more? ... read the chapter!**

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Jeremy wasn't surprised by the knowledge of what his sister has been doing all those weeks or by her determination to do the impossible if it would mean having Damon back. What paralyzed him was the haunted desperation that both Elena's and Damon's eyes held while they were speaking their minds. Both of them were desperate: Elena, because she'd sacrifice anything to have him back. Damon, because he blames himself for the sire bond and for Elena's misery, in addition to the fact that putting the ones he cares about in danger is not an option and there's nothing he can do against it if Jeremy doesn't help him.

One look at his sister's eyes was all it took for Jeremy to make up his mind. As long as it's in his power to do something to give his sister her life back, he'll do it! He won't let her forever walk this earth as a shell of herself. Damon may think it's the sire bond's effect but Jeremy knows better. He thinks that all the times Damon got rejected left him a fatalist finding Elena's love too good to be true. He sees why Damon's skeptical when it comes to his sister's plan, and knows how it could go wrong and how they could end up with a threat to humanity instead of an undead Damon, but he'll help his sister because he's sure there's no other way. How many times have anyone ever heard of the possibility of dead coming to life? The answer is brief and simple: None! Not even in Mystic Falls.

There's no other way aside from wakening Silas and he'll help his sister, because she's the only one he has got left. He's not going to lose her! He'll help bringing Damon back, and will help keeping Silas from harming innocents.

It's with these thoughts going through his head that Jeremy voiced his decision with a strong determination "I will help!"

Bonnie's POV:

While walking through the streets of mystic falls, I kept on thinking about Elena's and Stefan's plan that I didn't learn about through my supposed best friend. I didn't dare to ask Stefan why Elena wasn't the one talking to me about the plan, because I was afraid of what I would get as an answer. Elena left the same message for me and Jer and Care letting us know that she needs time. I'm worried about her, but I understand her need for some time alone. The thing is that it's been almost a month and her needing time doesn't make sense anymore since she's already working on a un-Elena like plan. I get more worried each day, and can't seem to stop thinking about her decision of helping Shane on his plan to bring Silas back. The thought of going to check on her crosses my mind repeatedly but I've never acted on it because I don't know what to expect. Elena was clear enough in her message and her shut off phone sends a clearer one, and that keeps me from going to her. Elena is a big girl who can make her own decisions, and I believe she will wake up sometime soon from the shock of losing Damon to realize how dangerous it'll be to go on with it. I'm well aware of the fact that Elena loves Damon and that the sire bond had nothing to do with her giving into her feelings, but there's love and there's Love! Elena should have been still under shock when she agreed to the plan or else why hasn't she come yet to see me knowing that Shane's plan needs a witch with access to expression? Could it be possible that they already found another witch?

Why have Elena insisted on Stefan on keeping Jer in the dark? Does she feel like she'll be disappointing her brother? Is that also why she didn't dare come and talk to me about the plan she's helping in? I feel like Elena is no longer the one everyone got to know. I feel like she isn't herself anymore, and that her decisions are those of a stranger. I mean, this is the defendant of innocent people who apparently wants to unleash a far more powerful creature than Klaus. I didn't agree on this plan, and don't think I will be on the near future. I will not use expression and will not help Shane of all people, and bringing the dead is the sickest thing I've ever heard in my entire life!

Magic was supposed to bring balance and not destroy it, and expression is a monstrous act. I already hate myself for having the power to do it, because that's the result of sacrificing 12 pure souls. There is no way that I will help rising Silas, not even to bring Damon back. I'm sad he's gone, and sympathize with Elena because she lost the person she's in love with and I believe that no one can ever get over the loss of his loved ones, but believing there's a way to bring them back is a result of Shane's craziness. Knowing about the existence of the supernatural made him believe that everything is possible, but those are just dreams! What is his evidence? Last time I checked he was only after Silas for science and for the sake of discovery.

I understand Elena's readability to believe there's a way out and that everything can go back to normal, but those are just illusions Shane found easy to implant in her head. I would love to believe there's a way to bring back all our loved ones, but I can't seem to do it. Not even supernatural can defeat Death! Could it be possible that Silas can? Could it be possible that bringing Silas won't have consequences?

I like to believe that Elena will come back to her senses and accept to deal with her loss in a healthy way but can she? Vampire's feelings are heightened and as Caroline told my mom when she transitioned 'Loss can cripple you' which is why I stop sometimes to think about it: How will my best friend ever get over such a loss? Will she ever be the same? Will she move on with her life?

I love to think that Elena will come back to us but she has apparently already changed. I like to think that she gave up on bringing Silas back but I know I don't believe that: Elena loves more than anyone I've ever met and being a vampire will only heighten that trait, so I believe deep inside that Elena will never give up. She may give up on wakening Silas, but never on Damon now that she believes in that possibility. I think believing in a way out is the only thing that'll keep Elena together, and knowing that the people who love her will always be there for her.

I might not be on board with Shane's shady plan but I'm not giving up on my friend!

At that thought I opened the gilberts' door to hear Jer saying "I will help!"

Closing the door behind me, I advanced to the kitchen to discover my long-awaited friend and her brother in the living room looking at each other. Jer had a strong and determined look, Elena had an empty look on her face but her eyes held a shine and a desperate need. Not even taking the time to put my shopping bags on the kitchen counter correctly, I ran and embraced her telling her that I'm glad she finally came. After not getting a response from her in the time lapse of a second, I lowered my arms and took a step back to look at her. I came face to face with Elena's dead features as she wasn't smiling right. It's like she forgott how to do it and stretched her lips halfway, instead.

As expected, she wasn't over what happened one bit. I never thought Elena could look the way she did: she seemed lifeless and cold. All her humanity appeared to have disappeared: her skin was cold to the touch and almost white. I didn't know what to think of her look. If I was expecting her to be in a bad condition, well this is definitely worse than I've imagined! She had the appearance of a living corpse and what contradicted that belief were her eyes that held some emotion.

Shaking myself from my thoughts I said "How are you doing, 'Lena?". Looking into her eyes, I witnessed a battle. I could tell she was struggling to keep her feelings in check, and be as unaffected as possible.

Elena needs to start letting her close friends in and confide in them, instead of suppressing her feelings as it is not healthy. She needs a friend, and isolating herself for such a long time would only make it hard for her to deal with the pain. She needs to talk about it and pretending it isn't there won't make it go away definitely. Not even the Vampire Switch can …. Hold on! What if that's what Elena is doing? It would explain a lot …

That was my last thought before she spoke in a monotonous and unaffected voice. "Yes, I'm going better Bon! Actually, I came to talk". Her eyes, to strangers, would have appeared numb but I could discern the shadow of pain. Why haven't I thought before of this possibility? It seems so obvious now! There's no doubt, the pain was so much for her to handle that she had to turn it off. Is that why she hasn't come? Does this mean she doesn't care anymore? Does this mean I should be afraid of what she's capable of doing when she's nothing but a vampire? Her eyes, as unemotional as they may seem, give me a flicker of hope though. Elena isn't that far gone. She's still my friend, just with far less emotion than usual.

In order to let her know that she's not alone, and that she has friends even if she seems to have forgotten them, I replied with false relief and a warm tone "I'm glad Elena, and don't forget you still have friends, and we are here to help you."

Has Jer figured out Elena's condition already? If not, would Elena be able to handle it, if she thought she disappointed the only family she has left? It seems that she is fighting her emotions, and having to handle the feeling of shame and of being a disappointment would only overwhelm her and make her go to the point of no return.

At the mention of Jer, what did he mean when he said he'll help? And what did she come to talk about? I just hope it's not what I think it is. As I needed answers I rushed to demand an explanation from Jer.

"Jer, what were you talking about before I came? You are going to help in what …?" I said as my eyes kept switching from Elena's face that was as serious as ever, and Jer's who was hesitant to answer.

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**I hope you are satisfied dear readers :)**

**Do you think Bonnie will change her mind now that she kinda knows about Elena?**

**reviews are very helpful, so leave me your feedback!**


	6. Help?

**We know Elena needs to convince Bonnie so how will that turn out?**

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"That's what I came to talk about, Bonnie. It's Shane's plan …"Bonnie knew her friend wouldn't give up on Damon, but she hoped she would've given up on wakening Silas, and as soon as Bonnie figured what it was about, she cut her.

"Elena!? I thought you thought better of it, and let it go!" Elena whose main purpose was to get Bonnie to agree wasn't going to give up, but before she could replay Jeremy said, glaring at Bonnie "You knew?"

Elena was the one to respond "Jer, I didn't want you to get involved. Besides, you are a hunter and what was to tell me that you wouldn't oppose to bring a century years old vampire back?" Elena knew what she said wasn't totally true and that it was a low blow but she didn't want to confess that the sole reason why she didn't want Jer to know is her fear that he'll take Bonnie's side.

After hearing Elena's response, Jeremy dropped his eyes and replied "I'm not going to let my hunter side prevent me from helping my sister." If Elena let herself feel that moment she would've felt guilty for manipulating her own brother. However, she believes that she has to do so in order to get his full support which she needs to get Bonnie to help.

After Jeremy confirmed her suspicion, Bonnie started reasoning with Elena. "Elena, look at me. You can't awaken a vampire who's more dangerous than Klaus. Have you thought of the consequences?"

Elena who didn't move a muscle, fixed her eyes on Bonnie's and said in an indifferent tone "Sure I did! Damon will be back. Tada! Problem solved!"

Both Bonnie and Jeremy would be lying if they said they were surprised by Elena's answer. Jeremy was expecting this 'Damonic' behavior from his sister because he understood why she was so short-tempered. Bonnie was expecting that kind of answer too, because she already figured that her best friend is almost void of emotions. She got to learn something from her answer though, which is that the only thing Elena is capable of caring about is her dangerous plan.

Elena's answer confirmed what Bonnie feared the most: There's no way she could get her to think emotionally and make her see how innocent lives would be in danger if this Silas was to be vengeful because of what the witch did to him. The only thing fueling Elena is her obsession with Shane's plan.

Bonnie, then decided to talk with her friend, because she needed to confront her about the switch, and get her to turn it on since that's the only way she would see the _light_. Bonnie demanded from Jeremy to give them privacy with a look that promised him explanation later, since she's not sure if talking in front of him would motivate Elena or push her over the edge, if she ever felt like she let her brother down.

Elena watched Jeremy move to the door, and then turned around to face her best friend who invited her to go out using the backdoor. Once they were out, Bonnie started speaking conveying, in her voice, as much understanding as possible "'Lena, I know it's been hard on you, and I understand why you turned off the switch but …"

Elena who was apprehensive until Bonnie started talking cut her off "There's no 'but' Bonnie! I'm sorry but it's the only way, and if it's true that you understand then you would!"

Elena knew she couldn't fool Bonnie and if she had any chance to get her to help, then this would be it! She should play on her understanding, and her friendship.

Bonnie who was relieved that Elena didn't shut her out, started again "Elena, I'm your friend and there's nothing I want to do more than helping you. Believe me, if I believed Shane's plan would work I would've accepted, but I don't. Elena you should see how dangerous this is: we're talking about a far more powerful and life threatening being than Klaus! What if he can't bring back the dead? What if …"

Before Bonnie could finish, Elena moved away at vampire speed and said in a whisper "I won't think about it! Not even for a second! I won't think about the possibility that Silas' powers are nothing but a myth!" she turned around to face Bonnie and added in a broken whisper "Bonnie, it's the only way. I have hope that this will take everything back to normal, and so should you. I'll be alive again, and will be able to feel again…"

And that was the first time Bonnie saw how much Elena's world is holding its sanity by a thread, but not willing to surrender and still clinging to her reasoning, she said with teary eyes knowing that her friend is putting all her hopes into the impossible "I understand if you are unable to handle your feelings in the time being, but you can't stay this way forever. Elena, I don't want your hopes to be crushed down, but you should think about other possibilities. Who knows? Maybe there's another way. Maybe there's a spell or something and I promise you I will search, but you still have to think about moving on with your life.

I'm ready to use expression if that's what it takes to have you back but there's no guarantee. Life isn't fair and sometimes we just have to handle it."

Elena was fighting with all her might the feelings that were threatening to suffocate her. If she didn't need air, she would've fainted. She wouldn't lose hope because it was the only thing holding her together. She would never give up on Damon because there was no way he left forever.

Shaking herself she focused her eyes once again on her friend, only this time she had a hard and piercing look "I will not accept it, I will not! … Bonnie, I need this! There is no spell, there's only one way it can be done. If Silas presents itself as a danger we can kill him … Bonnie, please!"

Elena wasn't breaking down but Bonnie knew that if her switch wasn't off she would've been a mess. Bonnie's heart broke for Elena, but killing Silas is not going to be a piece of cake so she just said "I'll see what I can do … I promise I will help you but I need to search first"

"What do you mean? … You will help me your way? … You won't go along with Shane's plan?" Elena wondered skeptical.

"It means I will help you because you are my friend but I can't commit to Shane's plan just yet" Bonnie replayed carefully, judging Elena's reaction.

Elena couldn't believe her ears, so she took her time to absorb the information "But if you don't find a thing, you will …?"

Bonnie didn't want to let her friend down but she couldn't make such a promise "Elena … I can't make such a promise but I will be thinking about it … Just keep in mind that I will not let you down. If bringing Damon is what you need then I will do my best."

Bonnie smiled at her friend and told her that everything will be okay, and Elena surrendered for the_ moment_ and thanked Bonnie for everything. The friends didn't hug because Bonnie didn't know how much Elena was comfortable with, so she just asked her if she wanted to stay for lunch. When she thanked her and told her that she'll be going Bonnie said warmly "Everyone missed you Elena, so don't disappear… and please try …"

In return, Elena just promised to stay in touch.

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**Do you agree with Bonnie? Did she make the right decision? Will she change her mind?**

**Looking forward to read your review :)**


	7. Chapter 6

**As you will defenitely notice this chapter is more articulate than all my previous chapters and easier to follow, and it's all thanks to ****_Fantasymyownworldofhearts._**** You probably would like to check her out because her fics are awesome :D **

**as long as I'm crediting the people that helped me, I would like to thank you all for your reviews, they're the most beautiful gift a write can get :)**

**Also, I woul like to thank Miss Pretty Girl for her ideas.**

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Jeremy's POV:

After promising my sister to help her with her plan and to support her, I tried as much as I could to ignore Damon. Jeez, he was more annoying than ever. I didn't even hear Bonnie coming through the door, until she hugged Elena and thankfully, Damon stopped complaining.

Bonnie knew about the plan, so it's no wonder she was absent-minded for all this past week. Bonnie's magic is obviously the key and I don't know what to say about it: I don't want to pressure her in doing anything she doesn't want to, but then, if I don't, how are we going to accomplish anything?

After Bonnie let me know that she needed alone time with Elena and I complied, but waited at the door to watch them go out from the kitchen door. However, unlike me, Damon didn't move; he was lost in his thoughts. As I looked at him closely, I realized his ghostly form started to disappear the moment Elena moved towards the back door, yet as soon as he absent-mindedly moved next to her again, he stopped disappearing and regained his form once again.

Wasn't he supposed to be a ghost? Ghosts disappear when they want to; they don't fade away!

I came back home from the grill, where I almost lost my job because I was late, to find that Bonnie had prepared Lunch and was waiting for me. I sat down and began to pick at the fries on my plate and as I ate, I asked Bonnie about Elena, questioning her about how it went. Bonnie simply said that everything was going to be okay, but her faraway look said otherwise. After a while, she 'came back to earth' and looked at me harshly.

"Just tell me, what were you thinking, Jer? Bringing back Silas? Are you insane?"

"Bonnie haven't you seen how miserable she is? I will do whatever it takes to give her life back to her, since I'm the one who took it." I replied, not willing to talk too much about my decision – I wanted to talk about hers: "so, you're not helping us, are you?"

She just stared at me for a moment, before putting her eyes on her plate.

"I'm not going to give up on her or anything … It's just that I will look for other ways." Bonnie seemed lost in her thoughts for a second."Apparently, you haven't picked up on her behavior…"

"What do you mean? She was a little snarky and straight forward, but I don't blame her. I mean, she practically looked like she was dead emotionally, as if she went through hell, but I don't think it's abnormal." I told Bonnie, but she just seemed to carry on with what she was saying.

"And you shouldn't blame yourself either, Jer. It's no one's' fault." She paused before continuing "I think you should know…the reason why Elena is acting that way is because she turned off her feelings." She took another pause, keeping eye contact to let me grasp the information, which I was doing very well. "That's why I wanted to talk to her in private. I wanted to confront her but I was scared to do it in front of you. I mean, how would that affect Elena? She's just hanging by a thread!" Bonnie exclaimed, her dark eyes looking away.

"I noticed that she's still not that far gone, and maybe that's why you didn't pick up on it. Anyway, she's clearly fighting her feelings and just imagine her having to fight the feeling that she let you down too? I was not sure how she'll react! Will she fight her feelings even more to the point of no return or …? You know what I mean?"

Bonnie took a break once more and I took advantage of it to ask her: "how did she react when she knew that … you knew?"

"She didn't deny it and asked me to help. Jer, I just can't follow Shane's plan! It's too dangerous. Besides, I will try to find another way."

"And what if it doesn't work Bonnie? What if there's no other way? I mean, how many times do we hear about bringing back the dead?" I didn't want to pressure her, but I still needed to point it out.

To my surprise, Bonnie acknowledged that fact.

"You have a point, but I won't lose hope. Until then, I can't commit to anything, Jer. Sorry. She's my best-friend, but it's healthier to move on." Bonnie inferred sadly.

I know my sister is not going to move on, not after losing everyone: as long as there's a possibility, I know she won't give up hope.

"You know her and she's not going to back down now that she knows there's a way."

"That's the thing Jer, we don't know if it's true."

With a sad smile, she got up to wash her plate, and that's when I remembered: "Did you know that I saw Damon's ghost and that he told me the same thing?"

She turned around quickly, an incredulous look on her face: "He still exists as a ghost? Is he here?"

"No he's not. There's something weird, though. When you and Elena moved away, he stayed behind, and started fading away. It's until he got closer to Elena that he regained a full form. It's not natural. Ghosts just come and go they do not start fading away like a mirage. It's curious."

"Why didn't you tell Elena? From what you said, I understand that he's always around her and if not then he's just non-existent, right? What did he say about what Elena's doing?"

"He just tried to keep me from agreeing to bring him back, using the same arguments as you did. By the way, he's the one who told me not to tell her, and I kind of understand; what would happen if Elena knew that he's not far away, but still not within reach?" I explained truthfully. Bonnie frowned then regained her composure.

"At least someone is wise enough to think about how this plan in dangerous to everyone." Her eyes turned sad. "I know you won't believe me, but I do miss him, and would love to bring him back, but I know that I should think about the consequences that no one bothers to mention, but besides searching in the subject of resurrection, I will try to find more about ghosts. Like you said it's out of normal…" Bonnie resolved. She then went over to the door and left me to my thoughts.

What could be happening? Is Damon's ghost not real? Is it a trick done by magic? Is he really Damon? If not, then who _wouldn't_ want Damon to come back?

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**what do you think it is? Does it have something to do magic, or not?**

**Let me know in your review ;)**


	8. Chapter 7

**This chapter, once again, is reviewed and improved by Fantasymyownworldofhearts. **

**Her help with the story is precious ;D**

Elena's POV

Despite trying my hardest to persuade her, my best friend was not going along with _the_ _plan, _and the most annoying thing was that I couldn't do anything about it, because she had some strong arguments that, if I hadn't stopped myself from thinking about it her way, would have convinced me. Bonnie surprised me by how well she read me, and knew that I wasn't feeling much of anything. Not that I had been trying to hide it, because when I started talking about the plan with Jeremy nothing mattered anymore except having him and Bonnie 100% on my side. She even threw me for a loop for a second when she tried to _help _me turn the switch on, but I wasn't going to let my old beliefs get in the way: the situation I'm in calls for desperate measures.

I wonder if Jer noticed too. If not, then Bonnie might have told him by now. Was he heart-broken because of my decision to throw everything away? Was he understanding of it? Should I talk to him about it? To see what he has to say?

Should I give up on maintaining the switch off? Since it is already getting harder every day? Humanity always manages to find its way back, and for me it brings nothing but a pain that I don't want to feel. There's no other way I can have peace, and I don't really care about Bonnie's search for other ways because there's no such thing as another solution, not even by using expression. She'll help though, once she's sure no innocent people will get hurt, and I'm going to make sure of it, which is why I stood at Shane's office door.

I needed to know if he knew of a way to kill Silas; because that's the only way Bonnie will change her mind, and that's what came out of my mouth once I was in front of him.

The first thing he did after my outburst was look at me with a small smile.

"I knew you wouldn't make it!" he said, his eyes shining with mischief. "Bonnie is difficult, and sentimental arguments won't make a difference which is why I asked Vaughn, the hunter, to wait for a few more days..."

"I'm here to know if Silas can be killed." I told him as I cut him off. His talk about the hunter is not serving any of my purposes. "The answer is the key to what we will need to do … like looking for another witch!"

"Another witch won't work. We need _her_!" His tone turned lighter when he waved his hand away and said: "anyway, I will take care of it!"

I knew what he meant by 'taking care' of Bonnie. What I didn't know was how I was supposed to feel about it. Shane, like me, will do anything to have his family back. He even used the same wording, when I first met him to talk about the plan. I know he will use ways that Bonnie won't enjoy, but I won't let him use my friend unless she's doing it with her own free will.

"I'm the one who will deal with the witch. Just answer one simple question: Can Silas be killed?"

I can't say he was taken aback by my determination. Maybe this was his intention all along?

"You can deal with your friend." He leaned closer from his desk table and started explaining. "Silas will still be weak even after his awakening, so we'll have no choice but to let him get his strength back because he's no help for us otherwise… but don't worry; even with his full strength we will be able to kill him using the cure."

"So, we can feed him the cure once he starts being dangerous." I concluded.

"Exactly."

With a last glance at Shane, I turned around and left.

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Bonnie knew she should be looking first for some spells to use instead of waking Silas, but she couldn't get Damon's ghost out of her mind. She was afraid of what was happening, and what danger Elena could be in with a ghost hot on her heels.

After looking in the grimoires her Grams left in the shelves, Bonnie came out blank: all they talked about was the dead turning into ghosts as a form of afterlife in case their life wasn't happy. They explained ways to enter in contact with their soul, too. However, Damon was a vampire and that puts a question mark on the possibility of any contact. No one knows if vampires have a soul or not.

So she decided to start searching for topics in relationship with death and vampires, and one of the oldest _and _dustiest grimoires she found in the deserted room upstairs where her Grams kept her non-used stuff, which was written in a language, that even Grams couldn't understand. It seemed centuries old that she had no doubt it was probably passed down by generations. For all she knew, this could be it. She couldn't figure out its language using internet, and the oldest person that first popped in her head was Stefan, which means he was the starting point.

"Hello. Stefan? This is Bonnie!"

"Oh? Hi, Bonnie what's going on?"

"I was going through some old grimoires and came across one written in a dead language, I suppose, and was wondering if you could recognize it."

She didn't know how to tell him about his brother's ghost, and decided it would be better if it was done face to face.

"Sure … I'm coming over. I had nothing to do anyways!"

"I'm in my Grams' house."

It wasn't long until Stefan rung the bell, but when he took a look at the symbols of the writing his answer was disappointing. "I think you may want to have Klaus take a look at it. This is old, even for me."

With a frown, Bonnie weighted her options: either ask Stefan to handle this since he's used to dealing with Klaus, or take this in her own hands and go see him herself. If she was being honest, she doesn't have a chance in getting an answer from him, since she has nothing to offer in return. Just as she was about to ask Stefan to take care of it, she remembered Caroline. Klaus has a thing for her; which means she's in a position to sweet-talk her way.

With a small sigh, she thanked Stefan and told him what Jeremy had seen, and what she was searching for. The news left Stefan bewildered, which was expected. The love between the brothers is not obvious, but they express it nonetheless, and Stefan's proposal to handle it and go look for Klaus or Rebekah himself, strangely meant more than announcing that he loved his brother.

"You may want to talk to Caroline about it and do it together. It'll make things easier." Bonnie suggested with a compassionate look.

Stefan's gaze flickered to Bonnie in alarm: "but you know what happened with Tyler's mom and that they're out of town to calm him down, right?"

Bonnie pinched the bridge of her nose closing her eyes, and then looked up at Stefan sighing.

"With all what's been going on, it totally went out of my mind. I didn't even tell her about ..." Her stare turned harsh as she remembered Elena.

"By the way, why didn't you tell me that Elena has turned it off? How could you stay…?"

It took Stefan some seconds to understand what the Bennett Witch was talking about.

"Hold on a minute!" He interrupted Bonnie's speech. "Elena did what? It's not possible! I mean, I doubted it but this is Elena! Why …?" He put his hand behind his head turning away from Bonnie's eyes.

"You didn't even try to talk to her or find out more about what she spends her days doing? She could've killed a half dozen of innocent people by now!" Bonnie never thought Stefan could be so oblivious to what Elena can do. She's a vampire now, which means all her human traits, even the less dominant, will show.

Stefan avoided her gaze, and talked in a blank voice.

"This is an Elena that I don't know, Bonnie. You've known her longer than I did so it's only logical you know her limits … what she can endure, and what she can't." His tone was matter-of-factly and it was clear to her that he wasn't trying to deny it.

Stefan looked into Bonnie's judging eyes, and said rising his eyebrows: "We know now she can't lose Damon."

Bonnie sighed, because she knew what he was trying to do.

"Elena came to me yesterday in the Gilbert house, and I know how far she is capable of going to bring Damon back, but I still don't think Silas is the solution. I will help though. I'm searching for other ways, but at the end of the day she should believe in herself and that she's capable of turning the page, and have a fresh start."

"I know you are not directly affected by Damon's death, but moving on for a vampire isn't easy, because you can only fight the feelings you don't want by turning it all off."

"I didn't say I wasn't going to help, Stefan! I will do everything I can for my friend, but Silas is not an option." After looking at Stefan right in the eye, she added. "I'm not judging you or Elena. I understand that sometimes you have to look for- and hold onto- hope wherever you can find it."

Bonnie and Stefan kept their eyes locked for a second before the witch started talking again. "Do you think Klaus will help you after what happened with his hybrids?"

Stefan shook his head: "the first question you should be asking is: where is he? I didn't hear from him since he killed the mayor! "

Stefan's face lit-up: "I suppose he's still looking for a cure which means he needs to find Silas. Therefore, he needs our help because Shane knows the location, and he doesn't!"

He continued to wear that bright smile that Bonnie has never seen him wearing before, as he placed his hands on her shoulders. "Bonnie, we'll find a way to understand what's happening with Damon's ghost!"

While still radiating happiness, Stefan said seriously: "I will find Klaus and see what he's up to … give me a couple of days and it'll be translated in English."

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**I know I'm terrible but the chapter wasn't coming out so well xD **

**Is that grimoire really the one? If not, then what can it possibly contain?**

**Leave me a review to let me know what you guys think, I really appreciate it :)**


	9. Chapter 8

_Sorry guys for not updating sooner!_

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After Stefan left, Bonnie returned upstaires to the room where her grandma left the unused stuff. It was next to the one her grandma used to occupy, and it was full of a couple of old grimoirs that were scattered over the floor. Bonnie has already spent hours going through them, and had only one left. Under the dimmer light of the room she saw it was written in English.

Tired of staying in the old room, she took the grimoir with her downstairs and sat down on the couch. She almost ruined its yellow paper, when she opened it. The paper was so fragile and ripped from the sides. The first page had a line written in clear letters at the center saying: '_Visions of Anaya_'. Indeed, unlike all the other grimoirs this one held no spells, just dates from the hundreds below each paragraph. Bonnie guessed they were the dates Anaya had each vision.

She kept scheming through the book until her brain started spotting the word 'Hunters' several times. So, she went back until she found where the talk about Anaya's vision on the five hunters first started. All they knew about them was what Shane found out throughout his travels, and Anaya's visions at first didn't say anything different from what they already knew, but it got interesting when it started talking about the reason why the hunters were created and who did it.

The hunters were meant to kill vampires, which was nothing new. However, according to Anaya the existence of the five hunters was the result of a manipulation from the other side by the most powerful witch that had ever existed: Qetsiyah. She did it, through her descendants, with the purpose of destroying the monster her own spell created.

A hunter should complete his mark first by killing immortal beings, which will to lead the way to an underground tomb where an immortal is petrified along with a cure. The hunters are supposed to feed it to him, rendering him mortal, and then kill him. As a consequence, they will be preventing him from _bringing_ his human lover _back_.

In order for the hunters to fulfill their destiny, the book says they should, in addition to killing Silas, use a spell hidden within the arm of a sword to destroy Qetsiyah's grimoir, because she had cast a protection spell on it, herself.

Bonnie took a break from reading what Anaya had to say about the hunters to think about what she learned so far:

- Silas can, indeed, rise the dead, but Qetsiyah is against it, probably because she doesn't want him to reunite with his lover.

- The cure can be used to kill Silas.

-Quetsiya's grimoir has to contain information that shouldn't land in the wrong hands, but what dangerous spell would be in Silas' former friend's grimoir? Bonnie thought about the spell Esther used, which definitely is the one Qetsiyah had come up with. Where did she find it?

"She found Qetsiyah's grimoire!" Bonnie whispered to her self.

The immortality spell is documented in Qetsiyah's grimoire obviously and that's where Esther found it, and the whole purpose of creating hunters is to rid the world of Silas and his plan to bring his lover back. So, it's no surprise Qetsiyah would want her grimoire to be destroyed so that the spell won't ever be used again.

Bonnie looked down at the book and saw she only had a few lines to go through.

The first one says: '_Five hunters shall exist on earth until their purpose is served._'

The second once: '_Once one hunter succeeds in fulfilling the hunters' task, all the five shall return to normalcy._'

Bonnie wasn't surprised by the information the lines gave, until she read the last one: '_Only hunters have the power to kill an immortal efficiently. _'

She tried to understand what Anaya meant, but she couldn't. There was no proof against the fact that vampires die by the hand of their own kind, werewolves, witches, and even humans. All the facts were against it, so the hunters are absolutely not the only ones capable of killing vampires!

When Bonnie reread the line once again, she noticed that she started thinking about its meaning while ignoring the key word: 'efficiently'. Does that mean that no one can really kill a vampire except for hunters? What does that say about Damon being killed by one, and **supposedly** existing as a ghost?

Bonnie was really scared of what she was going to do, but was getting confused and needed to pay Shane a visit in the morning. As much as she hated it, he was the only one with an insight on the subject!

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The day left Bonnie tired, and just as she was about to go lay on her bed and text Jeremy to suggest that he should join her, she heard a knocking. It worried her because she wasn't expecting anyone, but was surprised by her night visitor. It was no other than an Elena with a smile on her face. Bonnie smiled back at her friend showing the same friendliness.

She didn't need to hear her friend asking for permission, so she invited her inside and led the way to the bedroom she called hers whenever she came to spend the weekends. Bonnie knew that Elena was going through a hard time after all, and having her friend close is the best way to help her embrace her humanity again.

Bonnie noticed that her best friend was different from when she saw her the morning. She had the glow of excitement.

Elena followed her friend to her room in human speed, despite being impatient to drop the news already. In order to make time go fast she started thinking about what was about to happen, and what it meant for her: She was finally going to bring back Damon and even all the people she has lost. It will be just like going back in time, for her.

Bonnie, wanting to begin the conversation in a lighter tone sat, down on her bed, faced Elena and said smiling brightly "Are we having a sleepover?"

Elena shook her head, smiling:"I would love! An empty boarding house is boring, but I got used to spending my nights there."

"I know what you mean. But sometimes it's not a place that makes you feel home but a person." Bonnie told Elena, as she smiled sweetly.

Elena nodded her head:"which reminds me of why I'm here." She moved to stand in front of the window that was in front of the bed, and then turned around to face her friend with excitement in her eyes.

Bonnie had to hold her breath in order to stop herself from laughing, because her friend's smile was so ridiculously contagious and heart-breaking all together. Bonnie was so happy to see her friend showing more emotion each passing minute, but it broke her heart at the same time: she never thought she would ever see her friend suffering that much.

Elena's a strong girl who survived a lot, but Bonnie should've known that her best-friend reached her limit and that one more grave to mourn was eventually going to make her lose it, even if she didn't possess the heightened feelings of a vampire.

"I found out from Shane that our Silas-problem will no longer be one!" Elena informed Bonnie with such enthusiasm that she made her friend, who was deep in thought, jump.

Bonnie knew about the cure, but she wanted to know what Shane knows, so she said, curiosity clear in her voice, "And what did he say?"

"We can feed Silas the cure and kill him."

"As in the cure will turn him into a human?" Bonnie asked carefully.

"Yes" Elena said with a smile. "So, Silas shouldn't be a problem!"

Seeing that Bonnie was in thought for a moment, Elena asked, her smile still in place.

"What's it going to be?"

"I read something about this and you are right, I don't think there's a problem either, as long as we have a hunter on our side." Bonnie answered seriously.

After taking a break to prepare herself for what she was going to say next, she let out a breath and forced herself to see her friend straight in the eye.

And with a warm look she whispered "Elena, are you sure this is what you want to be doing? I know you lost too many people and that it sucks to be you right now, but you still have your brother."

Annoyed, Elena looked harshly at her friend.

"Is that what you'll be doing until I decide to feel?"

She shrugged her shoulder and admitted to her friend the one thing scaring and threatening the equilibrium she's in.

"I feel, ok? It's not much, but I do. The only feelings I cannot access are those of pain. I had enough of suffering! I'm young, Bonnie, and for once I want to do something selfish. I don't want to think about the consequences or other people! I want to be happy just like everyone deserves to be. Is it wrong?"

Elena's speech brought Bonnie close to tears, so by impulse she ran to hug her friend who, to her surprise, returned the hug.

"Elena … Of course you deserve to be happy! I will help you, but I want to make sure that you won't regret what you are doing. In a world where the supernatural does not exist, you would have mourned him properly, and moved on. Why can't you try and do it normally? "Bonnie said, while still locking her friend in her embrace.

Elena, somehow comforted by her friend's gesture, took her by her shoulders trying to talk some sense into her. "In a world where the supernatural doesn't exist, I wouldn't be alive. Aunt Jenna and your grams and so many wouldn't be dead…"

Bonnie dropped her eyes to the level of Elena's chin:"I guess you're right."

"Thank you so much … I'm not taking your help lightly because I know how much you are sacrificing for me." Elena replied as she embraced her friend.

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**Review**.

_**Do you think Damon is gone for good?**_


	10. Denial Land

The moment Elena left the house, Bonnie rushed towards the phone in the kitchen.

"You wouldn't believe who just paid a visit!" said Bonnie enthusiastically through the phone.

"Umm … who? I don't know …" mumbled Jeremy in a sleepy voice as he laid on his bed.

"Elena!" Jeremy's eyes, no longer closed and overpowered with sleep, shot open. "What happened? What did you talk about?"

"It went very well. You know, Jer? I totally misjudged everything!" she took a breath, and continued. "I just freaked out when I saw Elena this morning so straight forward and held together … You know? … She's still herself, she's still Elena … just shutting off the pain of losing yet another family member…"

"Wow… You did a one hundred eighty in less than 12 hours! Who are you, and what did you do to Bonnie Bennett?" Jeremy laughed using a Harry Potter quote coming out of Ron Weasley's mouth.

Bonnie chuckled a little bit before answering: "I still think it's an unnatural thing to do, but who am I kidding? I said my goodbyes to normalcy long ago… Anyway, I found a book that was in the possession of grams, today…"

She took once again a deep breath in preparation of what was to come, but after looking at the old fashioned clock hanging on the wall, she took the easy way out and decided to postpone their talk to the morning.

"Umm … It was interesting, but I'll tell you about it tomorrow. It's kind of late and I'm so tired."

"Yeah yeah, it's alright. You need to rest; you're going to need your strength."

Jeremy was relieved to hear that Bonnie was no longer against awakening Silas, and was pretty much sure it had something to do with what she found in that book.

"Are you alone, or is Matt there with you?" asked Bonnie, worry evident in her voice.

"No, I'm alone but I don't need to be babysat." Jeremy wasn't trying to be harsh, but he was pretty much in control of his urges now. He doesn't need Bonnie's company just because she thinks he's a loose cannon.

"I know" Bonnie said gently. "… If you want some company then you're welcome to come to grams' house. I just finished going through all the grimoirs in here, and I just want to sleep."

"Nah …You just rest. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay … Goodnight, Jer. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight." Jeremy replied.

Elena was happy that she was only a few steps away from getting Damon back. Elena Gilbert was no quitter, and she was not near being one, not now, not ever. She went after what she wanted, and didn't take no for an answer. She gave up seeking her friend's collaboration temporarily, that day just to go check with Shane and look for ways to kill Silas, thus put her friend's worries at ease and use her magic to open the tomb. And guess what? She made it!

After her talk with the witch, she went straight to the boarding house like she has been doing for almost a month. Normally she would come back from the surroundings of the lake house at around midnight, and would, for a lack of a better word, sneak into the boarding house, expanding her hearing to know exactly where the younger Salvatore was in order to avoid his presence.

This time, however, Elena found the house empty, so she took advantage of Stefan's absence to go to the basement without bothering to keep quiet and get a couple of blood bags that she carried with her to the parlor. As she sat in the armchair where she was seated in two of her most painful memories, she went over both of them.

The first time, she had just witnessed the loss of her first true love. She had just lost him before her eyes, when he flipped the switch, and Damon was there by her side promising to be always there. He has always put his feelings aside to tend to her needs.

The second one was when a crying Stefan, told her what happened back in the lake house. While pouring blood in one of the many glasses Damon keeps next to his bourbon, Elena started remembering how she gotthe news.

**[Flashback]**

Stefan was late and she was impatiently waiting for him to come while worrying about what might have happened. He told her in the text message she received that Bonnie wanted to tell her about something but is otherwise preoccupied, so he'll be the one reporting the news. The only person on Elena's mind was Jeremy. Has something happened to him? Was he okay?

She never thought Damon would be the one in harm's way, because he has always made it through every situation.

She poured herself a glass of bourbon while waiting for Stefan.

_[that was the last time she touched Damon's stash of liquor. She vowed to herself not to waste his precious drink, until he's by her side and able to complain about it – it was only fair.]_

When Stefan came through the door, she was just finishing recording a voice mail for Damon asking him to tell her what happened.

On his way to the boarding house, Stefan was trying to get through his mind that his brother was gone ... he didn't have one last family member, one last brother, one last person to sacrifice everything for: he didn't have one last Damon. Stefan didn't even have the time for one last fight with him, to have one last chance for them to be brothers…

He couldn't believe that he had just seen his brother's grey body.

He couldn't believe that he was about to drop the news to Elena, when he couldn't seem to absorb the news himself...

Stefan didn't care if Damon slept with her. He didn't even care if she's sired to him! His brother was supposed to stay so that he could fight with him over it.

That's how it was supposed to be, but despite all of it, Stefan knew nothing mattered if Damon wasn't there.

How could anything matter now? He couldn't even bring himself to run to Elena and make it in time. His legs felt numb. Actually, he was feeling numb. Shock hadn't left his system just yet, which is, probably why he hadn't been able to produce any tears.

All too soon Stefan had reached the front porch of the boarding house and he knew there was no going back, because Damon was … dead. And that's when all the feelings of loss hit him full force. He rushed inside as if he was going to leave those torturing feelings at the door step if he only moved quickly. Elena stood up immediately from her seat, and tears finally started to form in his eyes with each step she made towards him.

Then he remembered that he was not the only one who lost a person today, she had too …

He couldn't keep eye contact with her when she came close and asked him what was happening in a broken whisper.

"Damon …" Stefan managed to say through his tight throat.

"What does it have to do with Bonnie? Did he do something to piss her off? They were going along just fine yesterday..."

It was obvious to him that Elena was keeping herself from interpreting the tears in his eyes. So, in order to set her free from her unspoken doubts, Stefan blurted out with tears flowing down his cheeks.

"Damon is dead! There has been an accident! Jeremy, he lost control." He told her, tears streaming down his cheeks.

Reporting the news to Elena, saying the words out loud was not the perfect medicine like everyone claims. It didn't set him free as there was no magical solution! He was not going to wake up from this nightmare, because, at the end of the day, it's his reality.

Elena didn't seem to accept it, but that was to be expected.

"No … No …" She objected calmly as looking around her, as if waiting for someone to pop out of nowhere and inform her that it was a cruel joke, that her love had never left them.

"Stefan! You should stop crying because Damon isn't gone, and he won't appreciate that you wrote him off from the earth's surface easily!" Elena scolded after a moment of thought.

She was so confident and serious that Stefan would have believed her, if he hadn't known better. He saw it with his own eyes, his brother was gone!

The look of defiance in Elena's eyes worried him as he didn't want to break the wall of denial she built around her, fearful it would hurt her too much, but Stefan was no fool and knew he couldn't afford letting her live in some parallel world until her mind is ready. The girl needed to accept it there and then, or else she'll hurt even more when she finally sees clear, and that would led to more emotional damage…the type of damage that could drive her to shut it all off.

So he gently took her by the shoulders and mentally prepared himself for the worst.

"I'm sorry Elena, but you need to realize that he's gone. I am telling you, he is gone. Ask Bonnie or anyone… My brother …" It was at that moment that Stefan stopped speaking, breaking down for the first time in his life.

He has never cried or sobbed like he had in that moment. He hadn't even payed attention nor noticed Elena's reaction.

Stefan's straight forward and awakening speech knocked all the breath from her lungs, forcing her to the ground. She didn't know how long she sat there at Stefan's feet dumbfounded, but she does know that she picked herself from the ground the minute she realized she had the strength to stand up, headed to _his_ room, where she decided to rest and try to sleep.

She had stayed awake for the whole night, hoping against hope, as she waited for Damon to respond to her voice mails; when the sun shone through the open curtains, Bonnie called to see how she was doing, yet she couldn't pronounce more than an 'I'm okay', because she just wasn't in the mood to talk about any of it. Bonnie wished her luck, and told her she'd come soon to see her, but Elena couldn't keep listening to her, so she hung up as she didn't need her to come over.

Elena felt lost and alone, but everything felt surreal, she had no energy to cry or shout and had even lost the will to get out of bed. His smell was still on the sheets, and that alone was her personal heaven.

She couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that her dark-haired vampire was never ever going to join her in that room again, yet she was too exhausted to even think about what exactly she had lost, so she closed her eyes once again, and filled her little nose with his scent.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she heard Stefan knock on the door, and just like the brainless vampire that she was, she had hoped it would be _him_. Of course it wasn't, because he was gone! Besides, he would have never knocked; instead he would have tried to sneak up on her. When she felt a rush of emotion flowing through her whole being trying to break free, hurting her chest, she stopped her thoughts right there, and focused on her surrounding, instead.

Stefan, from behind the door, was waiting for an answer that wasn't going to come. As if expecting her not to respond, he just started talking.

"Umm … Are you fine in there? … I just wanted to let you know that there would be a funeral … Um… Caroline and I are taking care of the organization. Anyway, it'll be tomorrow along with the Mayor's… Just so that you're ready… I'll go now, but you should come out."

The word 'funeral' kept ringing in her ears. Elena hadn't thought about it before and was surely not going to start now. So she threw Damon's sheet over her, and prayed for sleep to take control, but it never came. The lost vampire's mind was blank which she was utterly thankful for because she didn't have to go through the torture of thinking about what was happening out there nor about Damon's body being buried six feet underground.

Despite sleep never coming, she didn't notice time passing until her surroundings turned dark. As if being programmed, she left the bed along with_ his_ scent to take a shower. Not willing to get rid of _his_ scent from her body, Elena used _his_ soap. Instead of going to sleep, she found herself standing for god knows how long under the jet of a shower that probably turned cold long before she had noticed.

Getting out of the shower, she dried her body and, not bothering with doing the same for her hair, put on one of Damon's shirt and lied down on the bed once again. Elena noticed that she stopped feeling time, the only thing she was aware of was her weakness and tiredness. She was waiting for nothing but the relief and bless coming along with sleep.

* * *

After another sleepless night, Elena's senses awakened by a knocking on the door, and from what she could tell, it was Bonnie. Not having enough strength or will to make a sound, Elena closed her eyes, and waited for her friend to go away.

Feeling like Caroline was next to come, Elena moved reluctantly to close the door using the key that was kept on _his_ nightstand. As predicted, the blond vampire was at her door soon enough. After arguing with a Stefan about whether she should knock first or just barge in on her depressed friend, Caroline whispered: "'Lena, honey! You need to get dresses because we are heading to Umm ... the funeral."

As she didn't get any response, she said in a tone reserved for spoiled children only. "I brought you a dress!"

After waiting for more than five minutes which is a huge accomplishment for Caroline, she said in an exasperated voice:"I can your breathing! Elena, just open the freaking door! You can't stay in there forever, and you can't keep me from coming in! I swear I will break the door!"

However, Elena wasn't paying any particular attention to her friend's voice, but soon got her undivided attention when she started her turning the door's handle.

"Stop!" Elena shouted as loud as she could, thus using her voice for the first time since Bonnie's phone call; it didn't come out that loud.

Naturally, Caroline stopped and waited for the door to open, which Elena didn't.

"I need to give you the dress 'Lena." Caroline sighed. "Look, Damon would've wanted you to be present! Come on…"

Elena's cold and dead body lit up with a fire she didn't feel inflaming her whole being since _he_ tried, and succeeded, in driving her away from _him_.

"How Dare you talk in his behalf? How dare you? How dare you talk like you would know? How dare you?" Elena snapped angrily - she didn't want to hear about his funeral … she didn't want to hear anything anyone has to say. her anger was suffocating her, and brought tears to her eyes, which she didn't know the reason behind. They were flowing without her consent.

"Caroline, LEAVE!" Shouted Elena and left using the window, not wanting to hear her reply.

Shelet her feet guide her and payed attention to nothing around; she only snapped from her oblivious state when human blood made its way to her unsuspecting nostrils. She spotted a man a few feet away from her and began to feel hungry for the first time. Elena looked around and realized she was in _the_ cemetery. This is where all her loved ones rest, and she didn't want to risk killing anyone in their presence. So, the starved vampire ran as far as she could from the man who was probably visiting a loved one of his own, but came to a halt, smelling a wave of different blood smells. Turning in the direction from where the wind was blowing, she recognized her friends. They were all wearing black, leaving a freshly done grave along with a wave of people

. They kept walking untill they reached a black coffin a few feet away. Alarmed she ran to hide behind a tree. No one noticed her, as they stood in a line two feet away from _Damon_. She watched them as they said their goodbyes unformally.

Elena was surprised to see that her friends shed a few tears. She saw her ... brother crying. He was a wreck. His body was convulsing with unheard sobs. The sight of her brother weakened her in the knees, and had to lean on the large tree that was hiding her body... She watched at the black box disappeard before her watery eyes.

Elena lost her senses at the sight before her sharp eyes, because she knew what this was and what it meant. She knew it was going to happen and that_ he_ would have to be buried at some point but somehow, _I failed to get it through my thick skull…_

* * *

**_Thank you for reading!_**

**_Let me know what you thought of the chapter, in your review._**


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